I couldn't help myself. I had to do it.
I have been told on numerous occasions, during my forays around the various sites, that not all Tories are foaming-at-the-mouth, extremists and that many are kind to animals and always send their mum flowers on her birthday.
The problem is, the nice ones aren't easy to spot. Occasionally one will buy a cup of tea for a man with only one leg, sleeping in a shop doorway instead of telling him to "Get a job, scrounger". And so I've come up with a little survey. Feel free to take it, but please be honest in your responses because teacher (that's me) will know if you're telling porkies (that includes you at the back of the class, de Pfeffel).
TAKE THE SURVEY
You believe the European Union to be:
- An evil alliance of human rights and Green activists who want to turn the country over to terrorists and benefit scroungers.
- A bureaucratic nightmare run by Krauts and Frogs that was determined to strip Britain of its right to govern itself.
- A noble institution that promotes trade, keeps the peace in Europe and re-joining it is essential to Britain’s future prosperity.
Your 18 year old daughter introduces her new boyfriend, whose name is Mohammad. You:
- Try to be grudgingly polite to him but you can’t help yourself from asking if anybody in his family has been a suicide bomber.
- You disown your daughter and tell her never to darken your doorstep again until she has found herself a respectable white, middle class boyfriend.
- You welcome him into your home and commit to making him comfortable within your family circle.
You believe convicted criminals should be:
- Given stiffer sentences, preferably in dungeons and without all the ‘luxuries’ of life such as food and water.
- Flogged to within an inch of their life and then hanged at dawn every day for a week. That’ll teach ‘em.
- Given a chance in life after serving their sentence.
You think the unemployed in Britain are:
- Shirkers and scroungers and they should get on their bike and look for work.
- Morbidly obese chavs with 15 children, multiple tattoos and horrible, snarling dogs that attack babies in prams.
- Struggling to get by as best they can whilst desperately looking for work.
You are introduced to somebody who is obviously working class. You:
- Talk down to them and leave at the earliest possible opportunity.
- Don’t talk to them at all, instead, you walk away covering your nose with a handkerchief.
- You treat them with civility, just as you would anybody else.
You believe Britain’s immigrants are:
- Alright as long as they stay in their ghettos, work, pay tax and never use the NHS.
- Swamping the country with filth and terrorism.
- Decent, hard working people who have greatly enriched our society.
A friend of yours, whom you have known for many years, comes out as gay and asks you to be the best man at his same-sex marriage. You:
- Say you’d love to be there but you have prior arrangements and won’t be available on that day. Or any other day come to think of it.
- Vomit on his shoes, kick him in the gonads and walk away calling him a shirtlifter.
- Congratulate him and his spouse-to-be, and say you’d be honoured to do it.
You want your party leader to:
- Stop pandering to the NHS and just sell the bloody thing.
- Kick out all the foreigners, nuke Europe, abolish taxes altogether for hedge fund companies, bring back hanging and then sell the NHS.
- Care deeply about all sections of society and the good of the world as a whole.
Thank you for taking this survey. It will be filed in a sealed cabinet with the MI5 investigation into where the money for the Brexit campaign really came from and never see the light of day.
All A’s: You are a Sun / Daily Express reader and you want to have Boris Johnson's babies.
All B’s: You’re a swivel-eyed loon who probably IS one of Boris Johnson's babies.
All C’s: You are a Labour Party infiltrator. Get out quick before they find this survey and rumble you.