Jokes & Silly Thread

  • Lets say I had a similar situation a few years ago.... along with my tech, cooking and everything else, my DIY skills are also non-existent too.

    So, similar to that picture, the tree was almost cut and I knew in which direction it was going to fall. The tree had other ideas...

    The tree decided that rather than it being almost cut, it was cut and it was going to come down immediately. I just got off the step ladder in time, to see the tree take out the wing mirrors of my parent's car in the street.

    Perhaps I'll try something safer next time.:) (like setting up a forum.;))

  • Out of the frying pan, into the fire. Don't worry we're here to asbestos your backside.

    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.


  • Our garage has a corougated asbestos cement roof and this is fine so long as you don't mess with it. When the time comes to remove it you should get a licenced contractor to deal with it.

    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.


  • A little jokey quote from the past, but so, so, relevant for today. Who else, but Spike Milligan:

    "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States."

  • I overheard a friend of my wife, telling her about a night went like this -

    "The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls at work'. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the Blue Wkds went down way too easily.

    Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

    I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

    Whew, I got away with that one!

    Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

    When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckood three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckood 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckood another three times, giggled, cuckood twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."


  • Repent O Scottish Sinner

    There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor, who was very interested in making a penny where he could,

    so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

    As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided

    to do a big restoration job on the outside of their large building.

    Smokey put in a bid, & because his price was so low, he got the job.

    So he set about erecting the scaffolding & setting up the planks & buying the paint & yes,

    I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

    Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly, there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, & the rain poured down,

    washing the thinned paint from all over the church, & knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold

    to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned & useless paint.

    Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,

    so he got down on his knees & cried:

    "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

    And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke -

    "Repaint, Repaint - And thin no more."

  • An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years
    mainly due to the wife's interest in health food, and exercise.

    When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

    "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

    Next they went out the back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

    The old man asked, "What are the green fees?".

    Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."

    Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

    "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

    "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

    "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

    Peter lectured, "That's the best can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

    With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

    Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

    The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been
    here ten years ago!"

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