Jokes & Silly Thread

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  • Years ago my wife and I were driving down the west coast of Ireland when we stopped in a layby for break to stretch our legs,

    That is when my wife saw a man sitting on a stool in the field with a fishing rod , as we watched he cast out and reeled in again, wife said why is fishing in the middle of a field , there is no lake or a river and the sea is at least 200 yards away.

    As we watched he cast out again , wife said he must be ill go and see if he needs any help , Ok I said , wife said be careful not to up set him he may be dangerous.

    As I got near him to keep him calm I asked him casually how many have you caught, he turned round smiled as said your the fourth , earlier I caught two Yanks in a big car , and a French man on a bike ;)

  • A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

    SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

    THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

    THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

    THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL

    HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

    HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

    "I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

    Do unto others as they would do unto you, then plead temporary insanitary 😂. :saint:

  • A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

    The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

    He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.

    It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

    The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray.

    He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.

    The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole.

    The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

    Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.

    The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

    Do unto others as they would do unto you, then plead temporary insanitary 😂. :saint:

  • 🤣

    Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I don’t work and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Tesco's

    Do unto others as they would do unto you, then plead temporary insanitary 😂. :saint:

  • A rather short woman goes to see her GP, what the problem asks her GP , well Doc its rather embarrassing when I get up in the morning I fell fine watch a bit of TV have breakfast get dressed then walk to work that is when it starts.

    What starts ? as the GP, well its hard to describe really , my Vigna and Anus become uncomfortable irritated and itchy , its driving me mad

    With that the GP tells her to stand up gets down on his knees and lefts up her skirt, I can see the problem, then reaches for a pair of scissors.

    WTF are you going to do with those scissors Doc ? GP replies nothing to worry about now stand still don't move , all she can hear is snip snip snip snip.

    GP stands up and tells her to walk across the surgery, that is amazing Doc the feeling has stopped what did do ?

    Easy I just trimmed some of the fur off the top of your Ugg Boots

  • Mother Superior wakes up looks at her alarm clock and shouts Jesus I've slept in, she leaps out bed gets dressed as quick as she can and heads down the stairs.

    She runs into the Kitchen and shouts at the Nuns , " get those pans washed up and clear the tables as fast as you can , and stop talking get on with it don't take all day."

    One of the Nuns comes up to her and says " Calm down Mother Superior everything is in order sit down and I'll get you a cup of tea"

    Mother Superior replied " Sorry Sister I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning"

    We all know replied the Sister, you have Father Thomas's slippers on again 8|

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