Jokes & Silly Thread

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  • Once upon a time......

    The king called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The royal weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain for at least 4 days.

    So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said. "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

    The king was polite and considerate, he replied. "Thanks for your concern, but don't worry. It's not going to rain today. I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

    So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

    Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional.

    Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

    The farmer said. "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained the information about rain today from my donkey.

    If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain very soon."

    So the king hired the donkey instead.

    And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

    The practice is unbroken to this day!...😅

    Do unto others as they would do unto you, then f**k off before the Police get there. :saint:

  • Three blokes sat in a Pub putting the world to rights, when the conversation gets around to their wives all of them blondes , one bloke says Blondes are stupid" My wife wants me to buy her an expensive Sports Car , I know she can't drive how daft is that.!!

    Next man says " My wife wants me to buy an £30,000 grand kitchen, I know she can't cook, how stupid is that !!

    Last man says before I came down the pub my wife and her best mate another Blonde were packing their suitcases for a long weekend away , they both had two big boxes of Condoms , I know that neither of them has a Dick , how stupid it that !!!


  • Have a break. Have a quick crap. ^^

    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.


    If my post is in this colour  it is moderation. Take note.

  • Mick and Sean come to London for a weekend break first time they have ever left Ireland and are walking down Oxford Street , when Sean points to a large shop window, will you look at the adverts says Sean.

    Men's shirts £2.50ns slacks £4, Suits £10.50p and ties 50p , just look how cheap they are , we pay much more back in our town, Mick says " If we buy some cloths here we can triple our money selling them back home , come on lets go in

    Sean says hang on a minute Mick if they hear our Irish accents they will put the prices up as we do when hear the English or American back home.

    Sean says not a bother I can speak with an English accent , you just keep quite .

    In they go straight up the counter and Sean says " now young man we want to buy all the men's shirts you have in stock, every tie, every pair of men's slacks and as many suits as we can, we have the money "

    The man behind the counters starts to laugh and says " Are you Irish by any chance Sir " Yes says Sean how did you know ? well it was a bit obvious Sir , this is a Dry Cleaners ;)

  • 🤷🤷🤷🤷🤷🤷

    Do unto others as they would do unto you, then f**k off before the Police get there. :saint:

  • A Traveling Salesman is driving on the Moors way up in the Pennines as night begins to fall , a thick mist is developing , he gest a bit nervous and not sure where he is , no signal for his Sat Nav or Mobile.

    He thinks to himself I need to get off the Moor and turns right at a small junction no signs no idea where he is going , but its down hill , with a couple of minutes the car stops engine has died, he gets out lifts the bonnet to try and find out what is wrong.

    He looks and looks nothing by this time its getting darker and the mist is get thicker, when he hears a voice " The Battery Leads is loose Lad " he spins round and calls out " Who said that where are you" again the voice calls out " Its the battery lead Lad its loose" he spins round in fright and panic , who are you where are you.

    The voice says " Over here lad " and as he looks he sees a black horse looking over the dry stone wall , the Salesman is not really confused and mutters I must be going mad , Nay Lad it me talking to you says the horse, now tighten up the lead and you will be all right, good night and off trots the horse " into the mist gone in seconds

    The salesman tightens the lead, engines starts first time and off he roars down the hill, within five minutes he see lights a village and the welcoming lights of a pub, he parks up and runs into the pub, shouting landlord large brandy please he is that sacred he is pale a shaking.

    He drinks the Brandy in one, another please, Landlords asks what's wrong you look as if you have seen a ghost, the Salesman is a bit calmer , he tells the Landlord what happened I was lucky to get off the Moors and I imagined a Horse spoke to me and told me how to fix my car I thought I was going to be up there all night, I must be going mad

    Landlord says " Now tell me was what colour was the horse that spoke to you " replied the Salesman a black one " the Landlord smiled and said

    " You were lucky very lucky indeed, there is usually a white horse in that field , and he knows fuck all about motors "

  • A little while ago I was having a quite stroll on the Embankment by the Thames, when I saw four black men running down the road chased by loads of white people, the black men were running as fast as they could, I thought a racist crime so I rang the Police .

    I told them there are four black men running for their lives being chased by loads of white people, they didn't want to know they laughed and tried to fob me of, they told me it was the London Marathon.


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