Jokes & Silly Thread

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  • What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?


    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.

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  • This in my red top made me chuckle this morning:


    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.

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    If my post is in this colour  it is moderation. Take note.

  • I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

    and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

    decided to get married. There was only one

    little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

    younger sister.


    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

    tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

    would regularly bend down when she was near

    me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

    be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

    near anyone else.


    One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

    come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

    alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

    had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

    overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

    before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.


    She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

    you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

    up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

    and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

    opened the door, and headed straight toward my car.

    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

    outside, all clapping!


    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

    said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

    little test. We couldn't ask for a better

    man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'


    And the moral of this story is:

    Always keep your condoms in your car.

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • Just on the Guardian's website (yes, I must be feeling ill...;)) and I was reading about decking for the garden and somebody made this remark:


    I went into B&Q the other day and a member of staff asked me if I wanted decking.

    Fortunately, I knocked him out first.

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  • The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he doesn't know, but it definitely is not him.

    The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

    The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he didn't do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

    Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

    After listening, he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the bloody wall!"

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he doesn't know, but it definitely is not him.

    The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

    The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he didn't do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

    Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

    After listening, he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the bloody wall!"

    A case of not listening properly there.:)


    As for who broke the walls, I had to look that up, and like Johnny, I went to bible class too when I was young.

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  • I sold all my Dusty Springfield records yesterday....

    I just don't know what to do with my shelves..

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • I removed all my German contacts from my mobile.


    It's now Hans free.

    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.

    4312-gwban-gif

    If my post is in this colour  it is moderation. Take note.

  • A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “Do you have that book for men with small penises?”

    The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”

    “Yeah, that’s the one!”

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • We've done a survey on how people walk home from the pub.

    The results are staggering.

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • Someone just told me the clocks go back in October.

    I'm dumbfounded, I can't for life of me remember where

    I got mine from.

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • I got mine from Argos and bloody useless it is too.:)

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  • Twin sisters in Sunnyside Nursing Home were turning 100 years old. The local newspaper sends a photographer to take pictures...
    One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
    The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
    "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
    Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
    So they wiggled up close to each other.
    "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
    Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
    "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
    With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US!

       


               

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.

    I think I'm being stalked.

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • These are some of the silly things people wrote on their applications for benefits:

    * I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptised on a half sheet of paper.


    * I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

    * Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

    * I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

    * I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

    * This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

    * Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

    * I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

    * In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

    * I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see


    * My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

    * Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

    * You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

    * I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

    * I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.


    * In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.











    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • I was told my Egyptian optician had died.

    Asif Eyecare.


    Sixty three Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.

    It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.

    The police are blaming AL-IKEA.


    I have a fear of spiders wearing coats - Anarak nophobia.

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

    First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed

    him a card with the letters:

    'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

    "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

    "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • Rugby: A game for men with odd shaped balls.

    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.

    4312-gwban-gif

    If my post is in this colour  it is moderation. Take note.

  • A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"

    Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus just for today."

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out