Jokes & Silly Thread

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  • The Men’s Shed Meeting

    We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men’s Shed. One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work “Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure”, came up with an interesting suggestion. He said his wife thought that we should read a book called “Fifty Shades of Grey” as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house.

    The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities. At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel.

    Here are their experiences:

    Bill Carruthers, 74

    We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

    ————————————————————————-

    Nick Enwright, 86

    She stood before me, trembling in my shed

    “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”

    So I took her to Bunnings.

    —————————————————————————-

    Ted Roberts, 79

    She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

    —————————————————————————-

    Tom Entwhistle, 73

    Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

    —————————————————————————–

    Jack Farthing, 78

    “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.

    “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.

    “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

    —————————————————————————-

    John Hardcastle, 72

    “I’m a very naughty girl,” she said,biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”

    So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

    —————————————————————————-

    Colin Horrocks, 65

    “Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”

    “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

    —————————————————————————–

    Malcolm Riddock, 75

    I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

    ————————————————————————-

    Allen Cardly, 74

    “Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.“I think so,” I gulped.

    “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

    —————————————————————————–

    Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

    Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

    “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”

    —————————————————————————–

    Nicholas Benchley, 53

    “Are you sure you want this?” I asked.

    “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.

    “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.

    —————————————————————————-

    Toby Williams, 60

    “Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”

    “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

  • I can use it on Mr Wing when he turns over and takes all the blankets.

    Having seen what it does to insects and tin foil I reckon it would smart at bit.

    Has a lovely pump action to arm it.

    I like holding it MiB style: "They check in, they don't check out" :D

  • :DYes, it'll do nicely for those who take my blankets on cold winter nights. Sleep with Modesty Blaise, get up with salt burn 8)

    I would like to use it on the large flying cockroaches that visit in the summer. Before Mr Wing can rescue them.

  • Whereas b'wana has one of these: Bug-A-Salt 2.0

    Ideal for the miniature safari.^^

    You've mentioned this before, but is this a newer model, I see its a mark II.

    I actually spent the better part of a hour trying to get rid of a blue bottle out of my living room yesterday without having to resort to harsher methods and I did it in the end, but it wasn't easy. The fly was fine, I was shattered.

  • This in my red top made me chuckle this morning:

    Quote

    JUST when you thought things couldn’t get much grimmer, The Pussycat Dolls announce they are making a comeback.

    It’s more than a decade since we had to listen to their illiterate gibberish.

    Someone has bunged leader Nicole Scherzinger a few million. (And probably given the rest of them £10 book vouchers for WH Smith.)

    Other than Scherzinger, none of the rest have done much to write home about. And they all seem to resent her for it. Anyway, world tour coming up next year.

    Hurry, hurry, etc.

  • I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

    and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

    decided to get married. There was only one

    little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

    younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

    tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

    would regularly bend down when she was near

    me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

    be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

    near anyone else.

    One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

    come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

    alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

    had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

    overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

    before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

    She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

    you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

    up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

    and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

    opened the door, and headed straight toward my car.

    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

    outside, all clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

    said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

    little test. We couldn't ask for a better

    man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

    And the moral of this story is:

    Always keep your condoms in your car.

  • The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he doesn't know, but it definitely is not him.

    The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

    The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he didn't do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

    Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

    After listening, he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the bloody wall!"

  • The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he doesn't know, but it definitely is not him.

    The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

    The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he didn't do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

    Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

    After listening, he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the bloody wall!"

    A case of not listening properly there.:)

    As for who broke the walls, I had to look that up, and like Johnny, I went to bible class too when I was young.

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