Jokes & Silly Thread

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  • Paddy says to the doctor: "Doc, I'm worried, I swallowed an ice cube 3 days ago by accident and it aint come out yet."

  • The most common ghosts are visions dressed in white sheets with flailing arms. These are people who died changing their duvets, destined to roam bedrooms forever trying to find the corners....

  • My old French teacher, the bloke who taught me everything I know of this beautiful language, has sadly died.

    Adiós Amigo.

  • On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

  • The stentorian voice of god comes down from the heavens:

    'Noah?'

    'Yes, Lord?'

    'Because I am displeased with humankind I am going to send forth a Great Flood.'

    'Yes, Lord.'

    'Therefore you shall build an ark, big enough to take on board 2 each of all the animals of the Earth, a male, and a female.'

    'Yes, Lord.'

    'And the ark shall be fifty cubits long.'

    'Yes, Lord.'

    'And 20 cubits wide.'

    'Right, Lord!'

    Noah has a think about this . . .

    'Lord?'

    'Yes Noah?'

    'Lord - what's a cubit?'

  • I got these from a teacher friend in Birkenhead, they are true questions and answers in a school exam.

    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
    drink.
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
    pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed?
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: What is a planet?
    A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

    Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A: Very important. Births can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q: What are steroids?
    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A: Keep it in the cow.

    Q: What is the Fibula?
    A: A small lie.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
    A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What is a seizure?
    A: A Roman emperor.

    Q: What is a terminal illness?
    A: When you are sick at the airport.

    Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    Q: What is a turbine?
    A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

    Q: What is a Hindu?
    A: It lays eggs
    .

  • Wondering what I should have to eat, I called for some advice.

    "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

    She replied sternly, "Listen mister, The men I please, is none of your business!"

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