Jokes & Silly Thread

  • Not when they're killing the birds in my garden, I don't, no.

    I know what you mean, but it isn't their fault - it's in their DNA.

    There are none who do so much harm as those obsessed with doing good.


    People are far more more likely to believe a lie if they want it to be the truth.

  • The stentorian voice of god comes down from the heavens:


    'Noah?'

    'Yes, Lord?'

    'Because I am displeased with humankind I am going to send forth a Great Flood.'

    'Yes, Lord.'

    'Therefore you shall build an ark, big enough to take on board 2 each of all the animals of the Earth, a male, and a female.'

    'Yes, Lord.'

    'And the ark shall be fifty cubits long.'

    'Yes, Lord.'

    'And 20 cubits wide.'

    'Right, Lord!'


    Noah has a think about this . . .


    'Lord?'

    'Yes Noah?'

    'Lord - what's a cubit?'

    There are none who do so much harm as those obsessed with doing good.


    People are far more more likely to believe a lie if they want it to be the truth.

  • I got these from a teacher friend in Birkenhead, they are true questions and answers in a school exam.


    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
    drink.
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
    pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed?
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: What is a planet?
    A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

    Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A: Very important. Births can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q: What are steroids?
    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A: Keep it in the cow.

    Q: What is the Fibula?
    A: A small lie.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
    A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What is a seizure?
    A: A Roman emperor.

    Q: What is a terminal illness?
    A: When you are sick at the airport.

    Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    Q: What is a turbine?
    A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

    Q: What is a Hindu?
    A: It lays eggs
    .

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • Gravedigger: I had to bury the mother-in-law last week. I don't normally mix work with pleasure but in this case I made an exception.

    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.

    4312-gwban-gif

    If my post is in this colour  it is moderation. Take note.

  • Wondering what I should have to eat, I called for some advice.

    "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

    She replied sternly, "Listen mister, The men I please, is none of your business!"

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out


  • That's the trouble with foreign names. Delicious to some, 8| to others and sometimes just plain =O

    You only live twice, or so it seems

    One life for yourself, and one for your dreams


Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member to leave a comment.