Jokes & Silly Thread

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  • Not when they're killing the birds in my garden, I don't, no.

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  • Not when they're killing the birds in my garden, I don't, no.

    I know what you mean, but it isn't their fault - it's in their DNA.

    There are none who do so much harm as those obsessed with doing good.


    People are far more more likely to believe a lie if they want it to be the truth.

  • The stentorian voice of god comes down from the heavens:


    'Noah?'

    'Yes, Lord?'

    'Because I am displeased with humankind I am going to send forth a Great Flood.'

    'Yes, Lord.'

    'Therefore you shall build an ark, big enough to take on board 2 each of all the animals of the Earth, a male, and a female.'

    'Yes, Lord.'

    'And the ark shall be fifty cubits long.'

    'Yes, Lord.'

    'And 20 cubits wide.'

    'Right, Lord!'


    Noah has a think about this . . .


    'Lord?'

    'Yes Noah?'

    'Lord - what's a cubit?'

    There are none who do so much harm as those obsessed with doing good.


    People are far more more likely to believe a lie if they want it to be the truth.

  • I got these from a teacher friend in Birkenhead, they are true questions and answers in a school exam.


    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
    drink.
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
    pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed?
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: What is a planet?
    A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

    Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A: Very important. Births can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q: What are steroids?
    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A: Keep it in the cow.

    Q: What is the Fibula?
    A: A small lie.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
    A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What is a seizure?
    A: A Roman emperor.

    Q: What is a terminal illness?
    A: When you are sick at the airport.

    Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    Q: What is a turbine?
    A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

    Q: What is a Hindu?
    A: It lays eggs
    .

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • Gravedigger: I had to bury the mother-in-law last week. I don't normally mix work with pleasure but in this case I made an exception.

    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.

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  • Wondering what I should have to eat, I called for some advice.

    "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

    She replied sternly, "Listen mister, The men I please, is none of your business!"

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • ack2.gif


    That's the trouble with foreign names. Delicious to some, 8| to others and sometimes just plain =O

    The vagabond who's rapping at your door

    Is standing in the clothes that you once wore

  • Yorkshire couple staying at the house in Spain..

    Wife is preparing evening dinner...

    Wife: Ay up Love, we dont have any Bisto for the meal!!

    Husband: Oh dear, what we gonna do?

    Wife: Nip across tit ouse over yonder - they are English, ask if they have any Bisto??

    Hubby goes over to the house and knocks on the door....

    Door opens.. "yes can I help ya"??

    Husband: "Hast thee any Bisto"?? !!!


    "Fuff off you Spanish bast8rd"!!!!!

  • I met a chap last week in the airport last week.

    He was very interesting.... he said ...... "look at this, this is the worlds smallest Hearing Aid, only the size of a grain of Rice"

    "it has the very latest technology.. from Samsung and NASA.. creating this miracle in technology all in this very tiny earpiece - a brilliant creation"!!

    He put in his ear...

    I said to him..... "How much does it cost"???

    He replied......... "25 minutes past 7"!!!

  • I'm sure the great late Ken Dodd wouldn't mind this one; he'd probably have a good laugh at it himself:


    'Ken Dodd died yesterday.'

    'Did he?'

    'No, Doddy!'

    There are none who do so much harm as those obsessed with doing good.


    People are far more more likely to believe a lie if they want it to be the truth.

  • I'm sure the great late Ken Dodd wouldn't mind this one; he'd probably have a good laugh at it himself:


    'Ken Dodd died yesterday.'

    'Did he?'

    'No, Doddy!'

    Ha ha ha .... I just said that to my wife... she literally said "diddy" ha ha. I said no "doddy"! she harrumphed.

  • I told my mate dozy Dave "Close your bloody curtains next time you're having sex with the Mrs, all the neighbours were laughing at you yesterday". "Well" said Dave, "the last laugh is on them, because I wasn't even home yesterday!"

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • I love that one about hoping for a pyramid.

    The vagabond who's rapping at your door

    Is standing in the clothes that you once wore

  • I will be burnt and my ashes will sing because my soul has returned to my home in the afterlife and I will be free to pursue all the shits who made my life a misery without having to worry about whether sad faced clowns will try to stop me from skewering them and roasting them over a barbecue in my garden of skulls. 8)

    The vagabond who's rapping at your door

    Is standing in the clothes that you once wore

  • A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-

    "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

    Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

    The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

    "No! No!... Just stick out your tongue!

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • A man realised he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.
    "How much do they run?" he asked the assistant.
    "That depends," said the salesman. "They run from £2.00 to £2,000."
    "Let's see the £2.00 model," he said.
    The assistant put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
    "How does it work?" the customer asked.
    "Oh well for £2.00 it doesn't work," the man replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk a lot louder!"

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out