Jokes & Silly Thread

  • Not when they're killing the birds in my garden, I don't, no.

    I know what you mean, but it isn't their fault - it's in their DNA.

    There are none who do so much harm as those obsessed with doing good.

    People are far more more likely to believe a lie if they want it to be the truth.

  • The stentorian voice of god comes down from the heavens:


    'Yes, Lord?'

    'Because I am displeased with humankind I am going to send forth a Great Flood.'

    'Yes, Lord.'

    'Therefore you shall build an ark, big enough to take on board 2 each of all the animals of the Earth, a male, and a female.'

    'Yes, Lord.'

    'And the ark shall be fifty cubits long.'

    'Yes, Lord.'

    'And 20 cubits wide.'

    'Right, Lord!'

    Noah has a think about this . . .


    'Yes Noah?'

    'Lord - what's a cubit?'

    There are none who do so much harm as those obsessed with doing good.

    People are far more more likely to believe a lie if they want it to be the truth.

  • I got these from a teacher friend in Birkenhead, they are true questions and answers in a school exam.

    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
    pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed?
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: What is a planet?
    A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

    Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A: Very important. Births can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q: What are steroids?
    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A: Keep it in the cow.

    Q: What is the Fibula?
    A: A small lie.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
    A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What is a seizure?
    A: A Roman emperor.

    Q: What is a terminal illness?
    A: When you are sick at the airport.

    Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    Q: What is a turbine?
    A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

    Q: What is a Hindu?
    A: It lays eggs

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • Gravedigger: I had to bury the mother-in-law last week. I don't normally mix work with pleasure but in this case I made an exception.

    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.


    If my post is in this colour  it is moderation. Take note.

  • Wondering what I should have to eat, I called for some advice.

    "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

    She replied sternly, "Listen mister, The men I please, is none of your business!"

    A Hand Up Not A Hand Out

  • That's the trouble with foreign names. Delicious to some, 8| to others and sometimes just plain =O

    You only live twice, or so it seems

    One life for yourself, and one for your dreams

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