Jokes & Silly Thread

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  • Apparently it's a psychological ploy, the red lable, to make people in a hurry think there's a bargain and to buy without checking the detail.

    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.

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  • A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.
    He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"

    "Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ... because he hated the book!"



    If They Can Do It So Can I

  • A successful businessman is one who can earn money faster than his wife can spend it.


    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.

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    If my post is in this colour  it is moderation. Take note.

  • The Teacher said to my class.... can you name a subject beginning with the letter N that you are not very good at? I replied... "SPELLING".

  • I will always remember the very words I said to my girlfriend on the day we got engaged: "Oh my God.....I thought you were on the pill."




    If They Can Do It So Can I

  • Oh dear:


    dk-image-gcse.jpg


    Apparently the poster was hastily removed after a parent pointed out the error.^^

    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.

    4312-gwban-gif

    If my post is in this colour  it is moderation. Take note.











  • My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.


    Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him,

    However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.This Balding, Grey-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To have Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School "yes. Yes, I Did." He Gleamed With Pride.

    "When Did You Graduate?" I Asked. He Answered, "in 1969. Why Do You Ask?"
    "You Were In My Class!", I Exclaimed.He Looked At Me Closely.


    Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald Wrinkled, Fat, Grey, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked, "What Did You Teach?"





    Read more: http://ukoldieschat.boards.net…ks?page=295#ixzz6BCTz6SIr

    If They Can Do It So Can I

  • The snowflakes just get more silly every day. :rolleyes:

    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.

    4312-gwban-gif

    If my post is in this colour  it is moderation. Take note.

  • A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

    Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.


    Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.


    Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

    Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.


    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.


    If They Can Do It So Can I

  • I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"


    If They Can Do It So Can I

  • A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his holidays: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

    An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."



    If They Can Do It So Can I

  • Can you name a film/TV show title twisted to sound like an illness... For example.....

    One Flu Over The Cuckoos Nest.... or..... Constipation Street.

  • A race horse and a donkey make friends in a field. The race horse asks the donkey round to his stable for dinner. The donkey notices loads of photos on the wall of the race horse. The race horse goes into detail of all the races he won, including Cheltenham and the Grand National. Through politeness the donkey asks the racehorse around to his stable the following week, but is a little embarrassed. The race horse notices a picture a zebra on the wall and asks what it is. The donkey replied, that was me when I played for Juventus :D

    White lives matter

  • A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his holidays: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

    An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."



    I ran a shop for 8 years and allowed dogs in. During that time not one dog messed on the floor, but three children did !

    White lives matter

  • Saying something is fool proof is to under-estimate the ingenuity of fools.

    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.

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    If my post is in this colour  it is moderation. Take note.

  • Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who laid awake all night wondering if there really is a a dog ?

  • So, name the group and track for the music on the current Kellogs cereal ad?


    History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.

    4312-gwban-gif

    If my post is in this colour  it is moderation. Take note.

  • Bob: "I phoned my boss to tell him I'd fell of a 50 foot ladder so he gave me a few days off."

    Jim: "Oh my God, are you okay?"

    Bob: "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."


    If They Can Do It So Can I

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger, Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks were all making a movie about famous composers. Leo said, "I'd like to play Beethoven." Tom said, "I'd like to play Mozart." Arnie said "I'll be Bach"




    If They Can Do It So Can I

  • Swimming with dolphins is damned expensive.


    But swimming with sharks can cost an arm and a leg.






    If They Can Do It So Can I

  • This spoilt rich teenaged girl pushes her BMW into a service station.

    She told the mechanic: "It died."

    After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

    She asks: "What's the story?"

    He said: "Just crap in the carburettor."

    She asks: "How often do I have to do that?"



    If They Can Do It So Can I

  • History is much like an Endless Waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.

    4312-gwban-gif

    If my post is in this colour  it is moderation. Take note.